The Eldest Child Who Always Gave Way

Key takeaways

• Most parents who say "you're the eldest, give way" love both children; they are tired and want the quickest peace. But when the eldest always gives way, she may learn that her needs come last.
• Family therapists named a child doing a parent's job "parentification". Some helping at home is normal and can build confidence; it becomes heavy when it is too much, too long, and nobody notices.
• The youngest loses too: a child who is always rescued may not learn to wait, share or hear no. Faber and Mazlish advise not to act as the judge, not to give children fixed roles, and not to compare them.
• Fair does not mean the same: each child gets what they need, with a reason they understand. Love each child for who they are, and give the eldest time alone with you as a child, not a helper.
• When siblings fight: stop any hurting, name each child's feeling, describe the problem without taking sides, let them find a fair answer, and ask the eldest before giving away her things. And say thank you to the eldest; it is never too late.